A tale of a 20-year-old virgin

Oh, hey guys! This post almost wasn't published today. In fact, it's already December in Brazil but I was doing my best to publish something tonight because I needed that and my therapist and I were talking about all of the compromises and goals I set to myself and how thinking they're not as important as the comprimises I make to other people is a way of self loathing and it's unhealthy, SO HERE I AM fufilling the promise of one post per month. BUT, before this gets even more personal and full of oversharing and I tell you about all the sex I'm not having, I have some professional news: I'm now part of the writing team for the music collective The Wild Honey Pie!!! That basically means I'm listening to a lot of new artists and getting to write about them and I'm also having the chance to pitch pieces about artists I love. I'm living the flipping dream. I found TWHP a few days before I started college and well into that year all I wanted was to be a music journalist. Along the way of college I let this dream die because I convinced myself I wouldn't be a good music journalist. I felt lost for a really long time. Then I figured out what I wanted to do with my degree and how I'd rather write about the things that make life worth living and give us hope, and that are also a way of fighting, than about wars and history changing events. So when The Wild Honey Pie came back in to my life thanks to YouTube Music and they had spots open for writers I thought "Oh, what the heck?" and now I'm in their team page and my first write up went live today. Life is crazy, dude. So crazy.
But all those amazing professional moments aside, we're here to talk about the V word. Ever since I wrote my little autobiography a few months ago, I felt the need to address some of the information I threw your way. So, exactly two months ago, I wrote about my history with therapy. And today, I'm here to address a big polemic part of my life: My latent virginity. (I am warning you now: This post is NSFW and rated R  but for language, not graphic content. Do not comment on my shit if you saw this open on your kid's computer, Karen, I am not the one rasing the child). 
Let me get this out of the way: Being a virgin in your 20s is not a big deal. People will try to convince you that it is and sometimes your own brain will try to convince you that it is, but this hormonal culture that convinces you that you need to have sex when you're 16 is kind of creepy. And of course there are a lot of smart, concious and well educated teens out there who are just letting the steam off by having sex but I was thinking about it and if I was sexually active when I was 16 or 17, there is no way my dumb ass wouldn't end up pregnant. And this has to do with not knowing my body well enough, not being in the best place mentally and physically and being easily manipulated. Also everyone I fell in love with before I was 18 is a douchebag. The place where I am right now is a much better and safer place because I have a better understanding of sex, of what it means to be intimate with someone, of my body, my desires, my kinks (my experience says that people who go into their 20s without having sex are acutally the kinkiest), my sexuality, my boundaries, what I want from a partner and the relationship between sex and love inside of my complicated and emotionally traumatized brain. 
When I say being 20 and a virgin is not a big deal is because there are tons of people in the same situation for the most various reasons. There are people who chose celibacy, there are people who haven't found the person they want to have sex with, of couse there are people who are simply unpleasent and clueless about it and there are people who simply have other priorities. There are also sex repulsed people and asexual people with no interest in sex. Unless you're an incel, you probably asked yourself at least once if there's something wrong with you because you haven't had sex and you're not a teenager anymore. My answer is: No, there isn't. The fact that you're asking yourself that is enough proof. If you WANT to have sex but think there's something wrong because you don't want to fuck whoever wants to fuck you and who you want to fuck doesn't want to fuck you (I said fuck too much, it's not a word anymore), I have come with the data: There are seven bilion people in the world right now with the most different unexplored forms of attractions and kinks. Statiscally speaking even if 99% of the world population feel no attraction to you, there are 75 milion people who would have sex with a person exactly like you. And if you're picky like myself and you'd only be interested in 10% of those people, you'd still have 750.000 people to be attracted to. And if you're only sexually compatible with 10% of those 10% you'd still have 75.000 people to choose from. So you will find someone who will want to have sex with you that would actually have great sex with you and you might actually have the chance to choose who you want in a pool of 75 THOUSAND PEOPLE. Chose wisely. 
You might have been wondering which group I'm a part of. Well, I'm not a virgin by choice  but it's not like I opted out of it either. The reason why I never had sex is pretty simple: I'm picky. There's probably like 6 people in the world right now that I'd allow to get into my pants and if they're not interested, my brain refuses to be attracted to anyone else. If I want the thing, I Want The Thing, and I will not be satisfied by anything else. I've ghosted so many people this year I would be considered a serial killer in some countries. And it's not that I'm waiting for the right person or that I'm saving myself because of the Christian values I was raised in (haha we all know I'm going to hell anyway), I'm just not interested in that many people and I have too high standards to settle down just because I'm horny. I will probably eventually be that one friend who is never in a relationship but always has someone in her bed but even for casual sex I have high standards. Remember that thing I said about knowing your body and your desires and your kinks and yada yada yada? Well, that makes you a bitch. Like an extremely picky, bitch. Because I know what I'm capable of, I know what I deserve and I know what I want, and will not settle. Maybe if I'm still a virgin when I'm 82-years-old I will sit in my rocking chair, holding a cup of coffee, surrounded by all my publishing awards and my pictures with all the celebrities I love, and I will let out a loud sigh and say to myself "Well, I guess I should probably have sex with that one guy from Instagram who said he wanted to know me better but not enough to ask me questions". But for now, I'm good.

Okay but, me? I'm literally a virgin who can't drive. It's not even funny.

The thing about me though is that I'm not just a 20-year-old virgin. I'm a 20-year-old virgin who hasn't even been kissed. I will give you guys a second to read that sentence again. NO ONE EVER BELIVES THIS!! My therapist doesn't believe me when I say I've never been kissed because "I'm so comfortable with my sexuality". Who the fuck lies to their therapist about never having been kissed???????? If anyone would do that, please, tell me WHY??
The kiss thing goes way deeper than the sex thing. Because while not having sex by age 20 is something I'm OK with, not having been kissed by age 20 is something I sometimes struggle with. I do know people my age who haven't been kissed either, I know people my age doing all kinds of stuff if we're being honest. And again, I don't think there is anything wrong with me for never having kissed someone because I know if I wanted to settle I could have settled but... You know how frustrating is to be 20 years old and having to worry if you're a good kisser?? Imagine getting a crush on someone and having all those crazy fantasies with them but then if you get anywhere near to making those fantasies true you have to worry about if you're a good kisser or not?? LIKE. WHY??I'M AN ADULT.
And don't get me wrong, I had my phase of kissing walls and other stuff to train but I was super young and that proves nothing. And while you technically can have sex with yourself (I said technically, do not quote me on that) and somewhat know if you can give someone pleasure or not, you cannot kiss yourself. I could be good in bed but a terrible kisser and if that is true WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH MY LIFE????????? And it's not that I expect my first kiss to be a magical, perfect moment but I'm 20!!!!! The fact that I have to worry about how my first kiss is going to be AND what I'm going to do after college AT THE SAME TIME is MADDENING.
"So Giulia, why haven't you kissed anyone?" Priorities and stubbornness. I'm ahead at school so I was pressured to kiss someone from a really young age. I was like 7 and my school friends were making out at 9. When I got to 5th grade a "friend" attempted to force me to give my first kiss on a boy I thought was gross and I got so mad that she would try to take my own first kiss from me that I shut that off completely. I was 10. I only thought about kissing again when I was 12 and I had moved states and I had a friend who I got really close to real fast but then we had no classes together and when she had her first kiss before me, I kind of shut her off. I might have been attracted to her but we will not open that fucking door right now. Anyway, my teenage years were crumpled with moving, panic attacks, changing schools constantly and trying not to throw up in public. No one would kiss the girl who cried during every fucking class in sophmore year. Then my mom died and I had to take care of my sister and I moved states again.... And I'm not trying to make anyone feel sorry for me. It's just that there was a lot going on. And for a really long time I was just not interested in stucking my tongue in someone's mouth and possibly falling in love. And then we finally arrive at when things got real crazy aka college. The second I started questioning my sexuality, I also started questioning why I had never kissed anyone. There's a huge fucking pressure and a culture that you're only "a real bisexual" if you slept with every gender. And how would you know you're really bi if you don't feel butterflies whenever you kiss someone? The answer is: You just do. My sexuality is about myself, not anyone else. But the thing is I put a big pressure on me to have my first kiss in those last nearly four years, and it hasn't been pretty at all.
My mom had her first kiss at 18. When I was younger I used to be like "That's so old!" and I would say that to her. But latina mom curses are a strong thing and now you have my 20-year-old ass whose tongue only know the taste of food and water — and blood, because I don't floss. There has been a lot of drama and heartbreak and several types of coming out going on in my life for the last couple of years. I've fallen in love deeply and I have been questioned several times if I could actually be in love with someone I never kissed (for real people, feelings are processed by the brain, not the tongue). And I feel like the more I wait, the more I want to kiss someone I'm actually comfortable with. Call 'em "the right person" if you must: Just someone who I can actually kiss for hours until we both agree I now know what I'm doing. And it has to be something that feels effortless, that feels good and simple and that doesn't make me feel scared. And that is hard to get because my anxiety is so bad, I'm scared of everything. But since I'm me, I just keep falling in love with complicated people. And when my felings are requited, I just convince myself I will break the person's heart and shut myself off completely. I am also very selfish about my feelings and sharing them with people — even the people who the feelings are about. I'm not saying that I have to be in love with the person I'm kissing first. But I am absolutely not settling. I've waited 20 fucking years so far. I am not giving in for something that isn't what I want.
And there you have it. Dealing with myself is frustrating. There is nothing I hate more than dreaming I'm kissing someone I'm actually super attracted to and waking up to the cold reality that I'm emotionally unavailable and I cannot confess my feelings even if those feelings are just horniness. This is honestly why I love having crushes but I hate to be in love. Having someone I can cross paths with and just feel the little butterflies and daydream about touching and stuff feels so nice. But then you fall in love and you're supposed to... Tell the person? Out loud? I'm sorry but I don't do that. I throw my feelings up in a toilet just like Josh Hutcherson's character in Little Manhattan. (That's such a good, underrated movie and I had such a big crush on Charlotte Ray Rosenberg. How did I ever think I was straight?)
I hate that this was supposed to be a funny post about sex and it ended with some dramatic self reflection about falling in love. Damn you, my Pisces sun, your mom's a hoe!!
Anyway, before I go, I have a question: What should I write in December? I have a lot to write because I'm working on my grad thesis and there's the end of year posts on my Portuguese blog, and I'm writing for two websites now, so thAT'S A LOT. I'm also taking a personal break from December 28th to January 11th so I'm posting here before and after that, and while I do know what I'm writing in January, I need to know: What do you guys want to read about in December? How my year was? (I'm probably posting a lot of that on Twitter but if you want more) My Christmas plans? My 2019 goals? Some short story I might improvise if you want? What do you want from me? Because I'm honestly out of ideas right now. Please leave a comment or tweet me or message me about this!! I'll love you for life.
See you soon,

Giulia Santana is a Brazilian author, journalist, fangirl and activist — but not necessarily on that order.

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